Sunday, October 7, 2012

Ch Ch Ch Changes....

Here we are at Sunday.  Another weekend gone by in the blink of an eye.  I've spent a lot of time thinking this weekend though of the fact that going on disability is likely to becoming a reality soon rather than a someday eventuality.  For 2 weeks now my arthritis has been out of control, my psoriasis is worse than ever (including a really bad flare on the bottoms of my feet which I've NEVER had before), and besides being sick for a week from TDAP my energy level is in the pits.  I only worked about half time last week, and I feel SO guilty on those days even though I am not getting paid for the time I'm not there with FMLA.  Until my arthritis really started effecting my energy level and my pain was becoming limiting about 5 years ago I was working 60+ hours a week.  Previous to that job I was working multiple jobs both paying and volunteer so the idea of working 20 hours a week and being exhausted is just down right embarrassing.

So I am working on coming to terms with that.  I spent a lot of time talking with my oldest daughter about it. She is the muse I used to be when I was younger.  Full of realistic ideas and optimism.  She helped me see that this will be a better life for me.  I am really cheap so the monetary change will take some adjustment, but won't be devastating.  If anything it will be that challenge that may keep me sane.  I quit smoking mostly because it is my largest discretionary spending I have.  I really don't drink, I don't do illegal drugs, I don't shop much without a lot of lists, planning, and thinking.  I smoke my cigarettes.  I like my cigarettes.  Cigarettes are $200+ of my budget that I can get rid of.  Today is my first day cigarette free.  With the help of Chantix I am doing pretty good.  Yes, I am thinking about them occasionally, but I haven't gone searching for butts or done an emergency run to the smoke shop for a cigar to get me through without buying a full pack.  I have quit using Chantix before and it worked awesome.  After a week of not smoking, even being around people that smoke didn't bother me.  I didn't miss them.  I just have to accept that I am always going to be a smoker, and in order to be smoke free I can not touch cigarettes EVER.

So hopefully this week will be OK.  I see Dr Lavery on Wednesday, and we'll have the disability talk.  Maybe I can just limit it till the end of the year for at first and hope that the Simponi will kick in at some point between now and then.

Wish me luck on the quitting smoking!