Happy Halloween!

Halloween has always been one of my favorite holidays.  I'm not a big costume person, but I like the ghosts, witches, goblins, zombies, orange, purple, black.  I could go on and on.  I love making my house all Halloweeny.  When my youngest daughter moved out a few months ago I gave her all our Halloween decorations because it's her favorite holiday as well.  So I've been looking for good deals the last month or so, and though my decor is minimal I'd like to think it's "classy".  OK, classy for me hahahaha.  I'll be haunting all the stores for clearance Halloween next week to see if I can find some "I'll die if I don't have that" super deals.

I have an appointment with Dr Lavery tomorrow to see if we can find the cause of my "shortness of breath". I kind of feel like I should have just kept smoking.  I miss smoking even if I don't miss feeling like I've been licking the cat box every morning or hacking up yuck.  I also know I stunk because of it because I can smell the stink now on anyone that smokes.  I guess I don't really miss that.  Not high up on the sexy scale there is it?  At any rate I'm not smoking and I miss the act of smoking.

I have also come to accept that I probably won't be returning to work in January.  I will be discussing filing for Federal Disability with the Dr tomorrow too.  In an effort not to have a huge pity party about this I have been dream real estate shopping for a house in Phoenix.  I've decided I'd really love one of the small houses that are there from the 40s-60s.  I love the architecture of these houses.  They are in my price range even with the electrical and plumbing updated.  I think when I am there in December for Christmas I'll see if my daddy will do some driving around with me to see what areas these houses are in.  If I can find something in a safe neighborhood that has the safety update done AND in my price range it would be awesomesauce!!!  I'm not ready to buy yet, but I'm a planner.

I'll be sure to come back on after my appointment tomorrow and let you all know what is going on, or at least as much as I know.  Have a happy and safe (and a little creepy) Halloween!

Oh If everyday was like this.

Today was a good arthritis day.  It is one of those days that, though I have the normal morning stiffness, I feel relatively normal after about 2 hours.  Granted normal is a relative term, but for me normal enough that if I was working I could have done a full day.  I felt an unexpected level of guilt today because I am on medical leave, but experiencing an uncommon good day.  As I was walking through Whole Foods getting my weekly groceries it dawned on me that yes I'm having a good day, and yes I could have worked today, but 1 day in the last 30 is not employable.  It is not a glimmer of light.  It just happens to be a good day which I am SO grateful for.

Speaking of Whole Foods, Oh. My. God!. I think I had an orgasm in my mouth when I tried their made in house roast beef.  I am SUCH a roast beef snob.  If it has that weird rainbow glimmer that most processed meat has it makes me nauseated just looking at it.  This stuff was perfection.  They had 2 varieties and I went crazy and got a half pound of the italian herb rubbed roast beef.  Shaved so thin you could almost see through it.  It is worth every penny of the $16/lb they are charging for it.  Now keep in mind that my half pound of meat heaven is enough for me to have sandwiches or wraps all week.  That works out to about $1/day.  I worked out the total cost of my roast beef & provolone on sourdough with green pepper and red onion sammich.  It came to $1.40.  SO worth it.  Another bonus of whole foods is they let me get fresh loaves of bread in half loaves AND sliced for no extra cost.  I think my half loaf of fresh sourdough was $1.49.  I'll use a half a loaf in a week, but a whole loaf I throw half of it away.  I've tried freezing half, but it feels like I'm chewing rubber when I thaw it.

I guess I'm done discussing food and how much it costs to feed me for today.  I sure hope they have whole foods in the Phoenix area.  I am ok being a food snob when I'm only feeding me.  I am a whole food eating hippie food nazi dammit.  Deal with it!

So here's to hoping tomorrow will be 2 good days in a row.  Since we are expecting a weather front including rain on Thursday or Friday I'm enjoying any minute of mobility I can!

P.S. Here is my daughter and her best friend.  The crazy one belongs to me... ohhh like mother, like daughter :)

Back to life.. back to reality..

Today is the first Monday of many that I am on medical leave.  It started last week, and I took some time to be lazy, have a pity party, feel aimless and useless.  Now it's time to suck it up and make the best of it.  I know I was realistic that the time of no working was coming, but knowing it's coming and landing in it are very different things.  This morning I actually feel pretty good for me.  My skin is screaming, especially the bottoms of my feet which are trying to erupt but haven't yet.  This is my first experience with pustular psoriasis on the soles of my feet so I'm not sure what to expect.  When I've had it on my hands it's been mild and never really erupted.  I was able to cover the pustular spots as they came up with bandages and they would just do their thing.  It was uncomfortable, and occasionally painful if I hit a spot directly, but I was able to avoid direct contact most the time.  With it on my soles I can't avoid it unless I stop walking.  The irony is that for the first time in months I don't feel like I was hit by a truck this morning.  I ache, my feet are swollen, and my hips and back hurt, but I feel functional for me.  I realize this is most likely a side effect of the steroid shot I got last week.  I usually feel better for about 10 days after getting them.  It took longer than usual for it to kick in this time,but I was worse than I've ever been as well.  Of course it's par for the course that a day that I actually feel pretty OK arthritis wise my psoriasis is being difficult. HA such is my life.

I have a new whiteboard on my fridge.  I spent the weekend thinking about what I was able to do and writing things in to fill my days.  The rest of this month is all about organization.  Come the end of June I'll be moving whether it's to a smaller place locally or to Phoenix to be near my family so it's time to sort, toss, and realign all my stuff.  Normally I would do this in the matter of a few days.  Being ex military and a ex military spouse I have done the moving thing many many times.  I have it down to a science, but I realize that this time is different. I can't lift heavy boxes, I can't spend hours sorting, I can't lug heavy bags to the garbage, and I can't move furniture around anymore.  I need to give myself time to do this, and I need to be OK with it.  So what normally takes me a few days I have on the calendar for the whole week.  I'm OK with it if I don't get it done this week because you know what? I have 12 weeks to fill.

I also considered a daily schedule.  I was hoping to be up at 8ish and in bed by midnight.  Taking naps as I needed, but making sure I got those good 8 hours of sleep EVERY night.  Last night was the first night of my plan and insomnia hit hard.  I'm only an hour behind my plan right now, and it's not really etched in stone, but I'm a bit OCD.  It bothers me some that my first day of trying to have structure in my disability is already behind schedule.  I'm sure I'll get over it by lunchtime when I'm eyebrow deep in 20 years of pictures I'm sorting through with the cat helping me.  Maybe daily schedule will start next week.  Maybe I will just need to have a daily process (breakfast, shower/bath, email/blog, morning chore/task, lunch, shopping/afternoon task, dinner/evening plans, bed) rather than picking hours to live by.  I guess part of being on medical leave is you don't have to live by a clock schedule, but it's hard to get used to after years of counting minutes and hours.  Next month I'll be doing National novel writing month so I'll have 30 days to write a 50,000 word novel.  That should keep my mind active to be sure.

I'm off to finish my tea, take my vitamins, have an egg white omelet, and get to mission organization.  Wish me luck!

Focusing on me.

I had my Rheumatology appointment today.  It was agreed that it was time to take some medical leave.  I am on leave for 3 months.  The hope being that in that time I can focus on my health and the Simponi might just kick in.  This is pretty much the last ditch effort to keep me employable.  At this moment I don't hold much hope, but maybe in a few weeks once I'm hopefully more rested and less stressed I will feel differently.

I have known this was coming.  Even yesterday I was positive this would be the result of today's appointment, but it still took the breath out of me when I left the Dr and had a moment alone in my car.  I had a good cry on the way home, and now I'm decided to just let myself feel.  I'll start dealing with reality tomorrow.

Being the holiday season is quickly approaching us I'll have lots of things to keep me occupied.  I'll need to set myself some kind of loose schedule to keep track of the days and not wallow in self pity.  How do others in this situation fill their time/track their time?  I am lucky that my misery has some company.  Not that either of us are really lucky we are each other's company, but I do feel fortunate that I know someone who's been through this before and who will help me with advice and emotional support any time I ask.

For now I'm off to watch some sappy chick flicks, ice my bursa that had the horse needle plunged into it and  maybe take a nap.  Tomorrow I will face reality and come up with some sort of plan.

Ohh the smell of tiger balm in the morning.

Here I am, yet another FMLA day.  I go to my Dr tomorrow and I have the medical leave form in my purse for him to fill out.  I'm not totally ready to admit defeat so I think I will ask him to put 90 days on my form in hopes that Simponi will kick in.  If that 90 days doesn't show improvement I will concede to my fate and start the SS disability process.  I am so fortunate my  employer offers disability options that allow for a cushion between working and starting SS disability.  I don't know what I would do without it.

Now I'm sitting in bed, tiger balm coating my lower back, knees and feet.  If I put my head under the covers for long it's like a Vick's vapor cloud taking over.  At least my sinuses will be nice and clear.

Hope everyone has a good day!  Since many of my readers are chronic pain people too, here's to minimal pain for at least part of your day!