Sunday, September 29, 2013

Be careful what you wish for...

Last night as I was self medicating (translate to drinking heavily) because I am out of meds and don't have a Dr appointment until Thursday, it dawned on me that I now weigh what I did when I graduated from high school.  Through aging, having children, Remicade induced weight gain and such I have often wished I weighed what I did when I was in high school.  Some days I stand looking at myself after I bathe.  My body has the scars of a life lived and a body ravished by psoriasis.  The large dark psoriasis scars that probably I am the only one who really notices, the stretch marks (which I love because I remember which ones are from which daughter), the scales of psoriasis that come and go and come back again, and the scars from injuries both from stupidity and accidents all remind me to be careful what I wish for.  Yes I have the weight of my youth, but my body has definitely born the brunt of living and my disease.

The weight loss was not something I tried to do, it is a side effect of medication and illness.  I know that it is better for my arthritic weight bearing joints to not have that 50 lbs I've lost hammering them with every step, but I have to wonder if the weight loss "plan" I've been on is worth the weight loss.

As I sat pondering all this it also dawned on me my other biggest wish this past year.  To live with less pain and less extreme flares.  To move to AZ where I knew that was possible.  It has been possible for me and I feel very blessed and physically relieved to feel "better".  Better of course is a hard word to quantify, but I'm out of bed more than I am in bed.  This decision for my health also came with costs.  I am so happy to be near my parents, sister, and my sister's family, but I miss my best friend and daughter to the depths of my soul.  My heart is split in 2 and residing in 2 places.  After being here near my family I don't think I could leave again yet I don't feel like I'm functioning well with the other half of my heart 1000 miles away.  No amount of seeing my family or my new friends is quenching my loneliness.  I carry regret that after waiting and wishing for 14 years to have my child back and finally having her in my life and building a strong relationship with her that I am so far away.  My communication with both my daughters and morning phone calls with my best friend are what keep that wisp of a thread from snapping and hold me together emotionally, but I have to wonder when that thread will snap.  When crying in my tub won't be enough of an emotional release to keep me from totally breaking down.  I know that many will see this and dismiss it as life change induced depression, but I'm not depressed.  I also know some will say that with time things will work out and level out, but I just don't see that happening.  I've lived a gypsy life all my adult life and leaving an old place was just part of the journey.  I didn't forget my old place, but I didn't mourn it or dwell on it.  I remembered the good and looked forward to the next step of my journey.  I'm not leveling out.

Everything we wish for is sent out into the universe, and it may never come true.  Just keep in mind that it might and really be sure it is what you want because it may come with a price tag that is hard to swallow.  I don't know what the answer is to my response to the universe's answer to my wishes.  I will figure it out, but in the meantime I'll keep on keeping on just like I always have.