Friday, January 20, 2017

The annual Girly Bits appointments

I posted on the Sausage toes and Scales Facebook page that I am going to take a bit of a new direction with the blog.  More of a misadventures in life with Psoriatic disease.  So with out any further delay, here we go..

A week or so ago my friend in TX sent me a Snapchat of her Gynecologist's office bedecked in pictures of the Pope and inspirational sayings that aren't so inspirational while a stranger is probing your uterus.  As I chuckled at how uncomfortable it must be for her to have her bits on display in front of the pope like a check of virtue in mid evil times it dawned on me that my time was coming.

To most people this means remembering to shave the day of their appointment and if they are getting a mammogram remembering to not wear deodorant.  For me however this takes planning.  Otezla has my Psoriasis in a state of not good, but not as bad as it could be.  It is however bad enough that shaving is not a regular activity in my hygiene routine.  Last time I shaved my shower resembled the shower scene from "Psycho" with the blood circling the drain and I still didn't have a good shave.  So at this point in the story my legs look like I'm growing out the leg hairs to donate to locks of love.  I kid you not.  I could braid it.  When it gets to this point and I have quite a bit of psoriasis coverage I usually opt for Veet.  It doesn't seem to irritate my skin, I don't have to get an economy pack of razors, and in 10 minutes my legs are hair free.  So I head out to the Walgreens to get the Veet.  My appointment isn't for a week, but I don't want to wait to the last minute and find all the Veet is out of stock in Arizona.  Guess what! Walgreens was out of stock.  Not panicked yet I head across the street to CVS.  All they have is the Aloe Vera flower smell version of Veet which makes my eyes water and my skin burn.  Now I'm starting to panic a bit.  What if they have a nationwide shortage of Veet?  What if I can't find it before my appointment a week away??  How will I face my GYN with locks of love length leg hair???  My final stop is Walmart.  I hate Walmart.  It gives me the creeps, but we're in desperation mode.  Walmart has Veet.  Hallelujah!!

Now that the crisis is averted I need a nap.  I am too tired to think about what else I need to do to prepare for my probe and squish appointment.  I needed a 4 hour nap.  Seriously this is why it takes a week to prepare for these things because I have to nap after every step of preparation.

I get a call the next day to say "oh by the way your appointment for vageen probing is tomorrow.".  Um no it's not.  It's next week.  Oh crap! My brain has failed me again even though the appointment card is on the fridge with the date of TOMORROW highlighted.  There is no possible way I can make that so I need to reschedule to the day I originally thought it was which happens to be the day my boob squishing is.  Well of course the person who called to remind me can only cancel the current appointment.  I must call the person sitting next to them in the office to reschedule.  Calling any Dr's office to make or reschedule an appointment is a headache on a good day.  Calling any Dr's office at the VA can be like waiting for your number to come up at the DMV the day after every freshman in the county finished drivers ed.  So I make the call and go through the prompts and wait. And wait. And wait. 30 minutes later I get a human and it's not the human who can make the appointment, but they will transfer me.  Wait, wait, wait, click.  Disconnected.  After many deep breaths and a walk about the yard I try to call again.  Repeat the previous call, wait, and wish process and this time I get the right human who informs me I have a cancelled appointment and they don't know if they can get me in any time this millennia.  I resort to begging and miracle of miracles there is an appointment an hour before my boob squish appointment.

So now we have the correct appointment times, Veet, and it's time for another nap.   Yes I nap a lot.  My fatigue has been off the charts since November so I feel like most my life is comprised of sleeping and eating.

Flash forward to Monday.  My appointments are on Wednesday so I decide this is the day to tackle the forest on my legs.  I get everything ready.  Veet, washcloth, the "spatula" that they include with the Veet, a towel and a beverage because this is going to take some time.  I prop on the side of the tub and proceed to spread the Veet on my legs from ankles to thighs.  Everything is going fine.  I'm singing and balancing on the tub.  The 7 minutes passes and it's time to scrape the offending hair off my legs.  Everything seems to be going smoothly until I get to my thighs.  I realize rather too late that in my impromptu karaoke session some of the Veet has gotten onto what we will call the triangle.  Not really a huge deal as I know many women who go bald all the time or at least for their annual appointment, but this isn't baldness.  It is more like patchy spots that are the nightmare of women having bad dreams of their Gyno appointment.  I hurriedly  rinse off the remaining Veet and also come to realize that a few spots were more resilient than others on my legs.  Most of us have that one spot when we shave we always seem to miss.  Mine are behind my left ankle and under my right knee.  It doesn't matter how attentive I am in my shaving I always miss those 2 spots.  Well apparently the hair under my right knee is  Teflon plated diamond infused hair because it was also impervious to the Veet.  At this point I've expended all my energy for the day and figure I can just do a quick touch up the morning of my appointment while I'm in the shower.  The groin area is just going to have to look patchy because I will not be found naked and passed out in my shower because I tried to fix that area while showering and lost my balance.  It's happened before so it is a legitimate concern.

I'm no longer at locks of love length in leg hair for the most part so I call it good enough.  On Wednesday morning I get in the shower and clean up the Teflon knee hair, wash my head hair and get dressed for my appointment. I get to the VA, and wait in the clinic for my appointment.  The nurse takes me back, looks at my records and says "you just wait here.  Keep your clothes on".  Well that seems a weird way to do a pap exam, but the less time in those gowns that leave your ass exposed to the world the better I say.  The dr comes in and announces that I don't need an exam as my lack of a sex life and having basically 30 years of normal pap smear results gets me the prize of only needing an exam every 5 years unless I am having problems.  I was thrilled, but then it dawned on me the last week my whole focus had been shaving my legs for this appointment.  If I wasn't so happy about not having the probe for another 4 years I would have been really pissed I unhaired my legs for nothing.

At any rate I'm all good.  Hairless, but good.

So next time you ladies are looking at your legs thinking you really need to find the energy to shave the moral of the story is there are a lot worse things in life than hairy legs.  Don't sweat the small stuff.